Its All About you

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

FROM: MANAGEMENT

Dear Staff,

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci Bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

LUNCH BREAKS:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

RESTROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.

SURGERY:
As long as you are employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week!

Management

GLASS OF MILK

One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry.

He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door.

Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water! . She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it so slowly, and then asked, How much do I owe you?" You don't owe me anything," she replied. "Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness."

He said .... "Then I thank you from my heart."

As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit.

Many year's later that same young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease.

Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes.

Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room.

Dressed in his doctor's gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once.

He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to her case.

After a long struggle, the battle was won.

Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill. She read these words ....
"Paid in full with one glass of milk"

(Signed) Dr. Howard Kelly.

Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: "Thank You, God, that Your love has spread broad through human hearts and hands."

There's a saying which goes something like this: Bread cast on the waters comes back to you. The good deed you do today may benefit you or someone you love at the least expected time. If you never see the deed again at least you will have made the world a better place - And, after all, isn't that what life is all about?

Now you have two choices.

1. You can send this page on and spread a positive message.

2. Or ignore it and pretend it never touched your heart.

The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which To burn

*Hi Boss,*

*

People who do lots of work...
make lots of mistakes

People who do less work...
make less mistakes

People who do no work...
make no mistakes

People who make no mistakes...
gets promoted

That's why I spend most of my time
sending e-mails & playing games at work
I need a promotion.*

Heart Attacks and drinking Warm Water

This is a very good article. Not only about the warm water after your meal, but about heart attacks. The Chinese and Japanese drink hot tea with their meals, not cold water, maybe it is time we adopt their drinking habit while eating.

For those who like to drink cold water, this article is applicable to you. It is nice to have a cup of cold drink after a meal. However, the cold water will solidify the oily stuff that you have just consumed. It will slow down the digestion. Once this 'sludge' reacts with the acid, it will break down and be absorbed by the intestine faster than the solid food. It will line the intestine. Very soon, this will turn into fats and lead to cancer. It is best to drink hot soup or warm water after a meal.
A serious note about heart attacks - You should know that not every heart attack symptom is going to be the left arm hurting. Be aware of intense pain in the jaw line.
You may never have the first chest pain during the course of a heart attack. Nausea and intense sweating are also common symptoms. 60% of people who have a heart attack while they are asleep do not wake up. Pain in the jaw can wake you from a sound sleep. Let's be careful and be aware. The more we know, the better chance we could survive.
A cardiologist says if everyone who reads this message sends it to 10 people, you can be sure that we'll save at least one life. Read this & Send to a friend. It could save a life

There was this magician who had a job on a cruise liner, entertaining
the passengers with a nightly show. He was very successful in his job
and there was always a full house at all his performances. Life was
sweet. The money was rolling in, he had one of the best cabins, ate
the best food, mixed with the best people. All was fine until one day
the captain bought a parrot.

The highlight of the parrot's day was going along to see the magician
in action in the evening. During the magician's performances, the
parrot would watch him very carefully during each trick, and
immediately after the magician had completed the trick the parrot
would call out in a loud squark, " It's up his sleeve, it's up his
sleeve," or, " It's down his trousers, it's down his trousers," each
time ruining the magician's trick.

Well life was no longer as sweet and the magician started to struggle
to satisfy the passengers. The magician naturally got very tired of
the parrot and longed to kill it.

Then one night in the middle of the magician's performances, the ship
hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone was killed except for the magician
and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage,
climbed aboard and collapsed. The parrot flew towards the magician
and perched on the edge of the raft and stared at the magician.

For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the
parrot did not take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started
to stir, and looked up not really knowing where he was or what had
happened. He eventually found enough energy to sit up. He then
noticed the parrot, who had not stopped focusing his eyes on him all
this time.

"All right I give up ..." chirped the parrot, "... What have you done
with the ship ?"

One Night 4 College Students Were Playing Till Late Night And Didn't Study For The Test Which Was Scheduled For The Next Day. In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look dirty and worn out with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

So the Dean said they can have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they will be ready by that time.

On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, All four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days. The Test consisted of 2 questions with the total of 100 points.

Q.1. Your Name.........................( 2 points )

Q.2. Which tyre burst ?...............( 98 points)
a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right .....!!!

*A distinguished young woman* on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "*Father, may I ask a favor?*"

"Of course. What may I do for you

"Well, I bought an expensive! Electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: * I will not lie*."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "*Go ahead, Father - - Next!*

First year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine,it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor.

The first is that you should not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

The Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth."Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students initially freaked out,hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anus of the corpse and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at the class and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger but sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!"

A schoolteacher was given a ticket for driving through a red light.

When she appeared in traffic court, she asked the judge for immediate attention to her case as she was due to be back in class.

The judge looked at her sternly and said: "So you're a schoolteacher. I am about to realize a lifelong ambition. You sit down at that table over there and write 'I went through a stop sign.' FIVE HUNDRED TIMES

* Bag of Potatoes*

*A kindergarten teacher has decided to let her class play game. The teacher told each child in the class to bring along a plastic bag containing a few potatoes. Each potato will be given a name of a person that the child hates, so the number of potatoes that** a child will put in his/her plastic bag will depend on the number of people
he/she hates.

So when the day came, every child brought some potatoes with the name of the people he/she hated. Some had 2 potatoes; some 3 while some up to 5 potatoes. The teacher then told the children to carry with them the potatoes in the plastic bag wherever they go (even to the toilet) for 1 week.

Days after days passed by, and the children started to complain due to the unpleasant smell let out by the rotten potatoes. Besides, those having 5 potatoes also had to carry heavier bags. After 1 week, the children were relieved because the game had finally ended.

The teacher asked: "How did you feel while carrying the potatoes with you for 1 week?"

The children let out their frustrations and started complaining of the trouble that they had to go through having to carry the heavy and smelly potatoes wherever they go.

Then the teacher told them the hidden meaning behind the game. The teacher said: "This is exactly the situation when you carry your hatred for somebody inside your heart. The stench of hatred will contaminate your heart and you will carry it with you wherever you go. If you cannot tolerate the smell of rotten potatoes for just 1 week, can you imagine what is it like to have the stench of hatred in your heart for your lifetime?"

Moral of the story: Throw away any hatred for anyone from your heart so that "you will not carry sins for a lifetime. "

Forgiving others is the best attitude to take! Love others even if you don't like them........ and if you want to see a better world. May Allah guide you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club.But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.